


FAQ

by CAMIR



Series: CAMIR's headcanon (English) [2]
Category: Star Trek: The Next Generation, Star Trek: The Next Generation (Movies), Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: 5 Characters - 5 Chapters, Contest Entry, F/M, Fluff and Humor, Sex Education, Short & Sweet
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-19
Updated: 2021-03-19
Packaged: 2021-03-28 11:41:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,491
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30139047
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CAMIR/pseuds/CAMIR
Summary: Q has a few questions regarding humanity. Beverly tries to answer them. Hilarity Ensues.
Relationships: Beverly Crusher/Jean-Luc Picard, Chakotay/Kathryn Janeway
Series: CAMIR's headcanon (English) [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2218236
Comments: 3
Kudos: 7





	1. I.

**Author's Note:**

  * A translation of [FAQ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/30139197) by [CAMIR](https://archiveofourown.org/users/CAMIR/pseuds/CAMIR). 



> The title of this work is an unfunny pun.  
> FAQ means "Frequently Asked Questions" - Q has a lot of questions. All episodes with Q have a pun with "Q" in the title. If read as a word it sounds like f*ck. Welp...

I.

"Yes, Jean-Luc ... ooooh yes!"  
Beverly Crusher lay sweating in Jean-Luc Picard's arms and surrendered to the ecstasy of lovemaking. After an exhausting mission and the stressful days that had followed, they finally found time for each other again and Picard wanted to use every minute of it. This also included giving his partner the attention she deserved. Since little Madeleine was born, such moments had become a real treasure.  
A flash of light interrupted the couple's activity and a humanoid figure sat on the edge of the bed.  
"That's what you call _coitus interruptus_ ," stated Q dryly.  
In a flash, Picard let go of his partner and wrapped the covers around him. This resulted in Beverly now lying stark naked in the bed next to him. She sat up but made no move to cover herself.  
"Q!" the captain growled.  
"Please forgive the interruption," the omnipotent being said apologetically and raised both hands. “But I just can't understand you, mon capitaine. You have already successfully reproduced and yet you continue with this primitive act. Why?"  
Picard just glared at Q, so it was Beverly who spoke.  
"Because it's fun," she replied with a shrug. "It releases endorphins, it relieves stress..."  
“Ah, the biochemical processes that manipulate a mortal body, I understand. But still... " Q frowned. "I've been watching you for a while now..."  
Picard glared at Q, but Beverly put a reassuring hand on her partner's thigh.  
"...as I said, for a while..." Q continued undeterred. “...and I'm very surprised by the frequency of this activity. I would never have believed you could do that, Jean-Luc. But apparently Doctor Crusher has drawn a few hidden reserves from you. Funny, I never thought you the type."  
Picard blushed and Beverly suppressed a grin. "Hidden talents, it seems to me ..." she said, which didn't exactly lift Picard's mood.  
"Q, if you have the nerve to watch us having sex, at least do me a favor and don't tell me!" the Captain shouted angrily.  
"So the prospect of a voyeur is uncomfortable to you, interesting," commented Q.  
"Okay, out with it, Q." It was Beverly again. "Why are you _really_ here?"


	2. II.

II.

_A few hours before..._

"Chakotay, I've been thinking ..."  
Kathryn Janeway glanced over her shoulder at her lover as she stripped off her uniform jacket. The person she addressed lay face down on the bed and looked at her pensively. It felt good to be back on _Voyager_ , and she had consciously chosen this place.  
When she didn't speak for a while, Chakotay sat up.  
"Kathryn?" he asked with a hint of concern in his voice. She sighed and turned to him, her jacket slung over her right arm.  
"If you don't want to anymore, that's fine too," Chakotay offered, making her smile. As if she didn't want to! Before she could continue there was a flash of light and a humanoid figure sat in an armchair across from the couple.  
“Kathy, I don't get it. You refused to procreate wirh me and with that one you want to do it now?"  
Janeway gaped at Q while Chakotay stared at his partner with a puzzled expression on his face.  
"Procreate?!" he shouted in surprise, while simultanously Janeway shouted "Q!"  
The couple looked at each other and Janeway blushed. She quickly slipped back into her uniform. Then she glared at the intruder with hostility.  
"Q, I would appreciate if you stayed out of my private affairs!"  
“But Kathy, I wanted to do you a favor. You haven't thought about anything else for weeks but never opened your mouth..."  
"For weeks?!" Chakotay exclaimed, drawing everyone's attention.  
"Q!" Janeway snorted again and put her hands on her hips. "That's completely my, I mean _our_ business!"  
The being made an apologetic gesture by turning both palms outward.  
"All right, all right ..."   
Q got up and walked around the couple, who followed his movements with looks of distrust.  
After wandering around in thoughts for a while, he said the words he shouldn't have uttered: "There's no chance I could watch, is there?"


	3. III.

III.

"And that's why I'm with you now, Jean-Luc!"  
The captain of the _Enterprise_ rubbed his eyes in utter disbelief, still visibly overwhelmed with the situation. Finally he gave up.  
"I can't follow," was the most polite thing he could say.  
Q sighed and shook his head.  
"I didn't expect otherwise," he muttered. And then he added so quietly and contritely that it was barely inaudible: "I need your help."  
"I beg your pardon?" Beverly asked with an innocent look.  
“I NEED YOUR HELP!” Q repeated louder and put his elbows on his thighs to hide his face in his hands. He seemed to miss the fact that Beverly chuckled softly.  
“But with what?” she asked, undeterred.  
Q got up and looked at the captain and doctor who were sharing the bed.  
"Isn't it obvious?"  
"No," Picard said while Beverly said, "Yes". Q looked at both of them in turn.  
"Now what?" he asked and there was a hint of desperation in his voice. They repeated what they said and then stared at each other.  
"Beverly, are you kidding?" The captain was on the verge of losing patience.  
The doctor got up and faced Q. It took her a great effort not to laugh.  
"You need a lesson in love, am I right?"  
The creature swallowed and nodded.  
“Q and I… we haven't gotten along so well for a long time. And when I see you like that, mon Capitaine and when I see Kathy rolling around in the sheets with her Chuckles, I wonder what I'm doing wrong ..."  
"Concerning us, I already have an idea or two..." Picard began, but Beverly interrupted him with a hand gesture.  
"You want to learn from us how to have sex?" she asked just to be on the safe side.  
Q squirmed for a moment before finally nodding eagerly.   
"I'm trying to understand. It's so primitive, so animal, so basic ... And yet you seem to be enjoying it. It must play an important role in your relationships."  
"And now you're wondering if you've neglected Q in that regard?" All amusement had drained from Beverly's face.  
"That, too." Q suddenly looked embarrassed and nervous. "Q and I are the first in eons to have ever ... tried something like this. You humans have gained thousands of years of experience with it and if Jean-Luc's tirades were good for one thing, it was to advertise how far developed you claim you are."  
“Not every relationship is successful. This is also part of the experience," the doctor said cautiously.  
“Doctor, I have been observing humanity for longer than you have existed. I am well aware of this fact." Slowly, Q's arrogance returned.  
Beverly shrugged while Picard sat on the bed, frowning.  
"Then I don't know what you need of us."  
There was an awkward silence until Q blurted out:  
"I need someone to show me!"  
"And what does it have to do with us?" Picard wanted to know. "You don't seriously expect ..."  
“Jean-Luc, calm down. I've already watched, but that was not really helpful."  
The captain turned bright red. "That's enough!" he shouted.  
"After everything I've done for you ...," Q replied with a raised index finger, "... I really would have thought you could do me this little favor."  
“I have an idea!” Beverly interrupted. Both Q and Picard turned to her, the latter with a disapproving look.  
"Beverly ?!" he asked with a warning undertone.  
"Don't worry, Jean-Luc!" She smiled and quickly slipped into her uniform. Turning to Q she said: "Follow me to the holodeck!"


	4. IV.

IV.

As Beverly Crusher hurried through the corridors of the _Enterprise_ , she wondered whether her idea was really as good as it had looked in her head. Beside her, Q kept up with her, which was absurd in itself. He could have transported them both to their destination immediately, but this time he seemed to agree to Beverly's terms.  
When the doors of the holodeck closed behind them, the doctor let out a breath. Q curiously looked around the empty room.  
"So this is your little playground!" he exclaimed and Beverly nodded while she operated the controls.  
"We just want to play God every now and then," she muttered and Q snorted.  
"I don't _play_ God!"  
A faceless, humanoid hologram appeared in the empty room and stood motionless. Beverly turned to her guest and put her arms on her hips.  
"Of course. But nonetheless, you asked us little mortals for help. "  
"What exactly is this supposed to be?" Q didn't seem particularly convinced. Beverly gave him credit for not trying to read her mind.  
"Unfortunately, I have no idea what kind of preferences you have." She pointed to the hologram. "It will be best if you design it yourself."  
Q eyed the motionless figure suspiciously, then walked around it a few times while stroking his non-existent beard. Eventually the hologram and Q both disappeared in a flash of light. When they reappeared, Beverly was faced with her own likeness. The holographic figure had turned into a naked Picard.  
"What if I turned into you and let Jean-Luc show me?" Q asked in Beverly's voice.  
"No!" she shouted.  
"Why not!?"  
She considered telling Q not to play pranks like that. But that would only gain the opposite reaction from Q. So she chose a different explanation.  
“It won't work - he would recognize you right away. And then he would definitely not do this activity with you anymore." She took a step towards Q and stabbed his chest with her index finger. "You are less subtle than you think you are, Q."  
The creature shrugged and then scratched its head.  
"It was worth a try. All right, doctor, I'll play by _your_ rules."  
With that he returned to his normal shape. The hologram, on the other hand, retained its appearance. "What do you have in mind?"  
“First give the hologram a shape of your choice - a _different_ shape.” She was glad that Jean-Luc didn't witness any of this.  
The holographic Picard disappeared in a flash of light before another figure appeared. Beverly found herself facing an attractive brunette with a mocking expression on her face.  
“May I introduce Q!” Q exclaimed, not entirely without pride. "At least as you would perceive her."  
"Not bad, Q!" Beverly laughed. "I wouldn't have thought that of you."  
"Only the best is good enough for me!" Q patted the shoulder of the motionless hologram jovially. "What does your curriculum feature next?"  
"I am a human. First and foremost, I can show you what works for me. But - and you will agree with me - copulation works according to similar principles in an astonishingly high percentage of other humanoid species. Isn't that what you actually want to know? "  
Q blinked innocently.  
"What exactly?"  
"What gives a woman pleasure."  
"But Q is not a humanoid."  
"Q is a woman!"  
Q scratched his head.  
"I think so," he finally admitted.  
"So listen carefully to me now! "  
Q made a chair appear and sat on it while Beverly approached the hologram.  
“The most important thing in everything you do is paying attention. Your partner will already appreciate it if you take the time for her and try to meet her needs - even if not everything works that well right away. What she particularly likes is a shared learning process based on communication and affection. "  
Q shifted back and forth in his chair, bored.  
"I already know that!" he complained.  
"And did you do it?" Beverly asked immediately after which Q suddenly found his shoes particularly interesting.  
"No," he muttered. And then, after a pause, he added: "Q didn't let me."  
“I can't comment on that, but it was probably as new to Q as it was to you. You both have to learn, together."   
Q thought about this for a moment.  
“All right, understood. Can we continue now? "  
"Fine by me. To do this, it is necessary to interact with the holograma little. It is equipped with an adaptive algorithm and will quickly learn your wishes and needs. "  
“Is that really necessary?” Q complained.  
"Do you have a better suggestion?" Beverly bitterly regretted this question immediately.  
"Indeed I have," Q said cockily, snapping his finger. The hologram opened its eyes and looked around, confused. In the next instant the red alarm sirens wailed.  
"Q, what did you do?!"  
"I breathed life into the hologram, just as you wanted me to."  
Then Beverly understood. Unsurprisingly her communicator beeped almost instantly.  
"Picard to Crusher!"  
"Crusher here!" She mentally prepared for any kind of harangue  
"Beverly, what the hell are you doing?!"  
"I wanted to show Q ..." she began, but Picard wouldn't let her finish.  
"Whatever he's done with the ship's computer, let him undo immediately!" Picard yelled. The computer voice could be heard in the background: "Jean-Luc, why do you always treat me so condescendingly?" Then the connection was interrupted.  
"You gave the computer a consciousness!" she shouted reproachfully in the direction of Q.  
"No," he replied calmly. "The whole ship!"


	5. V.

V.

Beverly's communicator beeped a second time. She rolled her eyes before accepting. It was Picard again.  
"Beverly?! The ship is going crazy thanks to you and your strange ideas. I'm done! Q leaves immediately!"   
The computer voice could be heard in the background. “Why do you have to order me around? I demaned to be included in your decision making. Warp 5 is bad for the complexion of my outer shell, and there is nothing exciting to see in the Zingara Nebula ... "  
Then Jean-Luc was on again.  
"I can't work like this. I was against this whole thing from the start! "  
Without closing the channel, Beverly turned to Q and put her hands on her hips.  
“It stops now! I have agreed to help you and I stand by it. But it can't be that the entire ship's operation suffers."  
"Can at least the hologram have a consciousness?" Q asked meekly.  
" _NO!_ " The doctor had sworn not to lose her patience. Q sighed and snapped his fingers, causing the hologram to stand still again.  
Beverly could overhear that everything had returned to normal on the bridge. Then she cut the connection.  
"And now?" Q looked a little dejected. He turned his chair into a kind of bench and sat on it.  
Beverly had to admit that she was at the end of her wits herself. She slowly realized that none of this was going to work the way she had imagined. In fact, she was slowly wondering what she actually had imagined. She sat down next to the creature.  
"One more time, Q," she asked. “What kind of help did you expect from us exactly? You should know the theory very well. And what you had hoped to learn by imitating human copulation, I really can't fathom. All of this can only be transferred to a very limited extent to your relationship with Q. And although nothing prevents you from transforming yourself into humans or other humanoids in theory and to try it all out for yourself, I still have my doubts whether this is what you had in mind. I think you're interested in something completely different? "  
Q, his chin resting thoughtfully on his hand, looked up.  
"What do you mean?"  
“I mean, you have problems in your relationship with Q. And for reasons I can't explain, you've decided to keep an eye on us humans, especially Jean-Luc and me and, more recently, Kathryn Janeway and Chakotay. What you see are two couples in a happy and working relationship. You also see that sexuality seems to play at least some role and therefore you drew the conclusion that you had to try something similar in your relationship with Q. "  
Q nodded hesitantly, even if he was visibly uncomfortable by having the secrets of life explained to him by a mortal.  
Beverly smiled.  
“I told you at the beginning: sex is fun and it releases endorphins - something _you_ don't need to worry about - but it's not everything in a relationship. Mutual respect and unconditional trust are more important. If you want to save your relationship with Q, it's not by learning how to have sex properly. Although I would still agree to show you!"  
"Really?" Q's face brightened and before Beverly could reply, her clothes had dissolved in a flash of light and were now neatly folded next to a bed that had just appeared. She instinctively crossed her arms because she was shivering from the sudden chill.  
"What's that about, Q?!"  
Q looked at her, seriously.  
“It's not what you think, Doctor! You are far too boring for my taste!"  
"Thank you very much!"  
"I just thought I it would be easierer if you just showed me."  
"That's not how I meant it!"   
"Doctor, please! This holo-circus does not lead to anything."  
"And how did you imagine it then?"  
Q turned his head towards the bed.  
"You lie down and explain it to me!"  
"Oh no!" Beverly approached her clothes energetically and started getting dressed again. “I will certainly not serve you as an object of demonstration. If you want me to show you you have to be content with the hologram."  
Q sighed.  
"Fine!"  
He let Beverly get dressed again, pacing up and down in the meantime. Whatever was going on in his head, he didn't share it. When Beverly was done, she brushed imaginary dirt off her clothes again. Then she looked into the face of an incredibly serious Q.  
"You are right!" he muttered, defeated.  
"With what exactly?" she asked.  
“With the fact that my problems with Q are of a different nature. I was hoping to be able to take a… shortcut." He looked very contrite.  
"Abbreviation?" Beverly asked. She knew exactly what Q was talking about, but wanted to hear it from him.  
"I thought I could do it with Q without putting so much ... effort into our relationship."  
Beverly suppressed a smile. Listening and accepting other people's opinions - she could imagine that Q was having a hard time.  
"But in the end you are probably right," sighed the creature. "There are no quick fixes to deep-seated problems."  
The doctor had not expected so much self-awareness in a being who enjoyed nothhing more than to joke around in his infinite arrogance - on the other hand, Q's supposed games had often subsequently turned out to be unexpectedly serious and taught them important lessona time and again .  
Beverly gave Q a friendly pat on the shoulder.  
“If you have recognized that, then you have already learned a lot! It is important to respect the fact that Q has her own will, even if that may mean accepting that she wants to go her own way. "  
Q grimaced.  
"So I'm not supposed to fight for her, court her, or do anything to make her come back to me?"  
Beverly shook her head.  
"No, because that would only concern your needs again and not those of Q."  
Q snorted and rubbed the back of his head.  
"Surprisingly wise words from the mouth of such a lowly life-form..."  
"Always at your service, Q!"  
Beverly winked and the creature winked back.  
"I think you've answered all of my questions." Q indicated a bow. "And with that I would be indebted to you, as reluctant as I am to admit it."  
Beverly held up her hands defensively.  
“Please don't! I was happy to be of service." She thought of the last time Q thought he wanted to pay a debt. It had ended in Sherwood Forest for everyone involved.  
“We'll see!” With that, Q was gone in a flash of light. Beverly wearily sank on the still existing bench and exhaled. She felt as if the burden of an entire year was taken off her - so exhausting had her exchacnge with Q had been. And yet she was satisfied - it was as if she had managed to get through to him. In addition, this time it had happened without the ship and crew having to suffer for it. That was something to be proud of!

As Q moved through the infinite expanses of space, the statements of a certain human woman named Beverly Crusher returned to him. While he was considering how he should face Q now, curiosity grabbed him and he looked at what Jean-Luc and Kathy were up to. He wasn't surprised to find them both making love with their partners. Deep down in his heart, Q envied these four people for the intimacy and familiarity they shared with their partners, even if he initially had not wanted to admit this to himself. And so he wanted to give them all a present...  
Kathy wouldn't find out about his gift for a few days, but if she wanted to breed with Chuckles so badly, Q made sure that this was done quickly. As for Beverly Crusher...  
“My goodness, Jean-Luc!” Q heard her moan. "You have stamina today."


End file.
